Parenting Fail: My Thoughts on Go To Your Room and Its Terrible Tips for Raising Kids

17-Apr-2023

Do children 'test boundaries'?

One of the most common comments about children not following the rules like perfect little robots is 'they're just testing your boundaries.'

They're not.

What ARE they doing, when it looks like they're testing boundaries?

Trying to figure out this incredibly complex and confusing world.

'Testing you' is an inaccurate accusation

It's also an adult view on a child's behaviour.

From a child's point of view, the rules are contradictory, overlap, have huge gaps, pop up out of nowhere, and make little to no sense.

One little girl I knew long ago was told, by her mom, to 'behave.'

Her response was fast, loud and, I think, of the most clarifying things I've ever heard a child under 3 say:

"I am being haive!"

What does 'behave' even mean? It's a different meaning in a movie theatre than a playground, that's for sure...

Sensible Rules and Directions

To avoid almost all of the things people say children are doing to 'test your boundaries' do this instead:

Connect before correction

Make eye contact, get down on their level, see what they were trying to accomplish before telling them what to do, or what they did wrong.

Check for unmet needs

Like wild tigers and adults, when children are depleted they act differently from when their cups are filled. Fill first, then see.

Calm yourself first

Very often, our own irritation (depletion or burnout) is really at the root of what we see as 'testing' behaviour. When we're more calm and stable, we're less reactive.

Hit pause

Before your survival brain takes over, pause, take a breath, step back. What is really going on, and is it the emergency / intentional irritant that your hindbrain is telling you?

Linda Clement is a parenting coach who works with highly successful parents who are seeking to break the cycle of transgenerational trauma. If you're ready to leave a legacy your great-grandchildren will thrive with, you're invited to start here with half an hour on Linda's calendar...

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